Before the trip

28 June 2009, Sunday

I promised to write before my qigong retreat, so here it is.

Seen the oncologist on last Friday, 26 June. The tumor marker had gone up from 172 to 193, some of the indicators for liver has also inched out of the normal range, although it is still aceeptable by my oncologist's standard. Told him that if I pressed on my liver, I can feel some pain. This seems like a repeat of the midway chemo treatment, a prelude that the medicine could be losing its effect. Nonetheless, the oncologist continued with the same treatment for the 5th cycle. Will do a PET scan after the 6th cycle. So, that is likely in Aug.

I developed a bad throat infection overnight on Thursday. So, the oncologist gave me a course of antibiotics. I also hurried to see my TCM doc. She also gave me a new set of medicine. It seems to work on Saturday, but it then develops into cough. As I am typing now, I ams still nursing my cough. Most likely catch it from my husband, who has been coughing for almost a month.

Maybe I had gone through a cycle of "downturn", knowing that the medicine may not be effective all the time; or perhaps, I am more mentally prepared this time; or I have been praying everyday for calmness and strength in the face of my illness, so that even if I receive unfavourable test results, I still maintain my calmness and composure.

Perhaps this qigong retreat that I am going alone is a journey that I need to undertake. I need to master the skill, so that I can use my own internal strength to heal my own illness. There will be some point in time that the western medicine may not work for me anymore. I need to depend on myself to heal myself. I sincerely pray that I can succeed in this trip and return safely back to Singapore on 13 Jul.